


Being Daryl Dixon

by TWDObsessive



Series: Being Daryl Dixon [1]
Category: The Walking Dead (TV), The Walking Dead - All Media Types
Genre: Awkward Daryl, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Falling In Love, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Insecure Daryl, M/M, POV Daryl, POV First Person, Rickyl, Virgin Daryl
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-16
Updated: 2015-05-16
Packaged: 2018-03-30 20:36:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3950887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TWDObsessive/pseuds/TWDObsessive
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Daryl's point of view as he starts to understand Rick's feelings.</p><p>"They think I ain't afraid a nothin'.  Ride the Harley on runs, don't care how loud it is.  Hunt alone.  Killed walkers with my bare hands.  They think I'm a fierce, strong survivor but they're wrong cause I'm afraid a' everythin'."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Being Daryl Dixon

**Author's Note:**

> I'm going rogue! This short one-shot is completely un-beta'd. My idol and beta reader Skarlatha is on vacation and will be coming back to the five final chapters of my fic titled "Always Been That Way". But I had a craving to do a first person piece from Daryl's perspective so I'm sparing her yet another email to beta and just slapping it up here for consumption. I'm sure it's caked with errors, but I hope you'll enjoy it anyway!

They think I ain't afraid a nothin'. Ride the Harley on runs, don't care how loud it is. Hunt alone. Killed walkers with my bare hands. They think I'm a fierce, strong survivor but they're wrong cause I'm afraid a' everythin'.

Ain't had family like this b'fore. Now I gotta worry 'bout losin' 'em or doin' 'em wrong. Ain't never held a baby but Rick was losing his damn mind and someone hada do it. Scared ta death I's gonna drop the lil thing. Now she likes me an' I'm scared she'll stop.

Rick says he needs me and I'm scared he one day won't. The kids at the prison look at me like I's god himself. I'm the one brings back the food. Deer, squirrel, rabbits. What if I can't keep it up? Can't find the game anymore?

Got a better friend in Carol than I ever had in my life. Like my best friend and mother and teacher and fuckin' shrink all wrapped in one. What if I fuck up? I'm a Dixon after all and if there's anythin' Dixon's do better than survive it's fuck shit up for everyone around them. Only a matter a time. Only a matter a time til I fuck somethin' up that can't be fixed and I'll have ta go.

Bein' a loner all yer life, think it be easy if I get cut loose. But ain't like that. Now I know what I been missin'. People who seem like they might kinda care. People I care about. Got people now I don't want dead and it's a world now where we're dyin' all the time. So gotta be afraid a' that now too.

Fraid a' Rick lately. He needs me. Wants me by his side. Looks to me. Respects me. Took me a while to figure what that was. That respect. Fuckin' Carol hadta spell it out fer me. He counts on me. No one's ever counted on a Dixon. Just ain't smart ta do. But Rick ain't dumb, so I can't figure why he's doin' it. 'Fraid I'll let him down.

Havin' people means bein' afraid of sayin' or doin tha wrong thing all the time. Havin' anythin' means now ya gotta be afraid a losin' it.

And all those thoughts was before the thing with Rick last night. Don't know what the fuck ta do now.

I's just on watch in the tower, thinkin' 'bout everythin' and nothin all at the same time and gnawing the hell out of a thumb nail.

Rick came up and that was ok cause he does that sometimes ta talk. He likes ta talk and I like ta listen so it works.

But last night his conversation wadn't 'bout the typical stuff. He sat down front a me. Moon was out bright 'n full so I could see 'im plenty clear and could tell he had somethin' on his mind.

"Good kill today, brother. That deer will feed these people fer days."

He calls me brother a lot now. Hada ask Carol why. She said it was a way to say how much he cared 'bout me. Like a brother. 

I jus' nod cause I'm still workin' on that nail.

"Wish you knew your worth, Daryl"

And that's when it gets complicated cause I don't know what he means but I want to. And I want to memorize those words and find Carol and ask her what it means and what I'm 'sposed to say after.

But Rick knows me better than I know myself and he can tell I'm confused.

He sits closer and slowly takes my hand away from my mouth, lookin' at my thumb. Wanna pull away and not move all at the same time. Can't decide so I just sit there.

"Gonna chew a whole damn thumb off one a these days." He said as he's rubbin' his thumb over mine.

He looks back up at me with those eyes that could make anyone do anything. 

"You have no idea how good a man you are. Wish you did. Wish you could see yourself how I see you."

And I hear myself say "how d'you see me?" which is weird because I don't remember decidin' ta talk.

Rick smiles cause he's glad I asked the question. That much I know.

"I see a man who's fiercely loyal. Who puts everyone else before himself. Who never gives up. Protects his people. A man who has the soul of an angel but thinks he ain't worth the ground he walks on but truth is the earth below him is lucky to be graced with his footsteps. Man with a heart bigger than most but no idea how ta use it."

I don't say nothin cause what tha fuck d'ya say after that? Fuckin' need Carol to translate. I just look at him. Look at his eyes. Cause I like seein' Rick. Like lookin' at his face. His intense blue eyes trained on me like i's the only person in the world. And it does make me feel like I'm worth somethin'. Least for a bit. It's fleetin' though like the sweet taste of cotton candy on your tongue and ya don't even chew 'r swallow and It disappears. But it was there and ya can still feel it faintly and it was so good.

Felt like I understand more in his eyes than from his words. And he knows me and he knows this and he says, "Know ya don't like words." And he scoots closer so he's next ta me and facin' me. Wanted to pull back from reflex but I like Rick close so I don't.

"Know ya trust me, right?" He asked. I nodded cause I do.

"Want you ta know how much you mean to me." He said.

"I know." I told him. He's glad to have me here to protect the group, his kids. Ta feed everyone. He knows I always have his back. I know what I mean. I'm a valuable asset to the group cause I can hunt and fight. 

Rick laughs a little at me. But I know it's not really at me. I do know that. He shakes his head and says. "No Daryl, you don't."

I don't say anything back cause I don't know what ta say and I wish Carol was here to whisper in my ear and explain these things I never seem to understand. 

Rick puts a hand up and reached for the side of my face and I flinch. Old habits die hard. 

His face drops like I done the worst thing to him anyone's ever done and I'm real sorry that I done it. 

"I ain't gonna hurt ya. You know that, right?" He asked me. His tone weird like he thinks I MUST know but he's starting to wonder if I really do. And I feel like shit fer makin' his face fall like that. Makin' his full lips pout and his eyebrows knit. And his eyes. They look like I hurt his feelin's so I apologize. I say "Sorry, Rick. I just, y'know...." And he does. He knows. Seen my back b'fore. He was a cop and he ain't dumb and he can figure things. He does understand and I'm glad for that.

Then he takes my hand and has me hold onto his wrist like I's in control. Slowly moved his hand back up to my face and brushes some hair back and it tickles. He rests his hand on my cheek and it feels real nice. Warm. Soft. Makes my heart skip around a lil bit. And I do trust him so I take my hand off his wrist and let him touch me. Don't know why he wants to but he does. I can see it in his eyes and I always want to give Rick everything I can so he can touch me, I think to myself. It ain't bad. Ain't too scary. Truly don't think he's gonna hit me 'r anything. Not with the way his eyes 'r lookin at me.

Then I hear someone comin' up the ladder. My shift's over. Rick stands and I know it's for my benefit and not cause he was nervous 'bout anything that was happening. 

Carol came up through the door. "Hey, guys. Shift's over. Why Dontcha go get some rest."

"I'll wait for you at the bottom," Rick tells me so I know he don't want me to stay up here with Carol. Rick starts climbin' down first and I look to Carol and I know there must be real fear in my eyes that I can't hide behind false confidence. 

"What's wrong, pookie?" She asked me, truly lookin' so worried 'bout me.

"Carol, I don't understand what's happenin'" I whisper as I hear Rick's steps going further down the ladder.

"With Rick?" She asks me and I nod like crazy. 

"He's touchin' my hands and face and sayin' things like I'm a angel and worth stuff and he wants me to know and stuff. Why? I don't understand."

Carol's face softens like it always does when she has to explain social things to me. She looks down and knows Rick's waitin' on me.

"Daryl," she says and looks me square in the eye making sure I'm paying close attention. "Rick loves you. He loves you and he wants you to know how much he cares about you." 

I know I must look really confused cause Carol looks at me so sympathetic like she does when she feels bad 'bout how I was raised and that it left me so incapable of understanding people.

"He won't do anything that's gonna make you uncomfortable. Just tell him if you don't like something or if you don't want to talk about it. You know Rick will listen to you. He won't hurt you."

"Ok" I say cause I don't know what else to say. 

I climbed down the ladder and sure as shit Rick was waitin' for me. We walked back up to the main prison without words like I like, and I know Rick wants to talk but he doesn't cause he knows I need time to think. 

I stop before we walk inside and start on my nail again. Rick knows I ain't gonna talk so he does. 

"You tired?" He asks me kinda awkward.

"No." I say around my nail.

"Want company?" He asks me like he's the one nervous.

I just nodded and he smiled and made to follow me all the way to the cell I have at the end away from everyone else. 

I care about 'em all now, sure. But don't like being too close ta all that noise.

Rick follows me into my cell, drops the privacy sheet and sits on my bed Indian style. 

I sit in the only chair in my room and pick up an arrow so I have somethin' ta do with my hands 'sides chewin' off a thumb.

"Think Judith said dada today," Rick tells me grinnin' ear ta ear. It's a comfortable topic and I'm excited to hear it. I smile and say "Wow."

Rick nods still grinnin'. "Got you ta thank that she's even in this world ta be sayin' anything at all." He said.

I don't get it. I didn't bang his wife, that was Shane. Then Rick explains, "I know you were one a tha main people took care a her when I was... Workin' through my issues."

"Everyone helped," I said, cause everyone did.

"Why's it always so hard ta thank you for things?" He asks and I know I'm not gonna have an answer and he knows I'm not gonna have an answer so I don't know why he even asks. 

He moves on the bed so he's closer to my chair and he slowly reaches for the arrow. Slow. Like he's tryin' ta take a bone away from a Rottweiler. I let 'im take it cause he wants it for whatever reason. He took it and put it back in the quiver. 

He put my hand back on his wrist and slowly put his hand back on my cheek and rubbed his thumb over my lips. I kept my eyes on his cause I can understand things better through his eyes than I can through his words or actions. I can tell he's glad to have me locking onto his eyes. And I think he wants to kiss me. 

Ain't never been kissed before so I can't be sure. Carol kissed me on the forehead once but that didn't count. It was like a mother's kiss. At least I think. Can't be sure cause I don't really recall my mama ever kissin' me.

Rick still looks at me, thumb trailing my lower lip and I know it's shaking. He scoots forward on the bed and I let go of his wrist as he leans in cause I'm only just a little afraid but I know he ain't gonna hit or hurt. 

When his lips are close enough for me to feel his breath he says, "This ok, Daryl?" 

I nod.

He wants to make sure I really understand. "Ok to kiss you?" He asks me really softly. 

I nod.

And then somehow my eyed flutter shut and I feel his soft dry lips on mine. They just rest on mine and his one hand is still on my cheek, fingers twined up in some of my hair.

And he's really gentle about it. And I know he wants something back. Something to know I'm ok, but I don't know how to kiss. Don't know what to do with my lips to make Rick know I don't mind his lips being on mine. So I get some nerve and put a hand on his thigh and I could feel him gasp happily on my mouth. 

Then he does start to move his lips. Kissing on my lower lip and them my upper lip and then fitting both our lips together somehow and making them move as one. 

I like it. I like the way it feels and I like the way it tastes. It tastes like the forest and the sky and like something I'd want again. An' it felt... Intimate and comforting. 

I parted my lips to breathe and Rick gently gave me his tongue. It felt foreign in my mouth, but I like the thought of it. Something of Rick bein' so close to me that it was literally inside. I licked at his tongue with mine and Rick groaned. He likes what I did.

He took my hands and pulled me towards the bed so I came to where he wanted me because it was what Rick wanted. And I didn't want him ta scoot back on the bed without me attached to his mouth.

He encouraged me to lay down and laid by me and kept his lips going the whole time. When he pulled away I remembered why I hated to have things cause it just meant there was more to lose and Rick's mouth suddenly gone from mine made me lonely and sad. But his eyes stay with me. 

"Is it ok if I stay with you tonight?" He asks me like some kinda polite gentleman. A polite gentleman that wants to lay with a redneck Dixon for some reason. "I'm only gonna kiss. Won't do nothin' else. I think you like the kissin'. 'M I right?" 

I nodded and Rick smiled. He was really happy I wanted to kiss him, and I guess I understand that. Cause I'm really happy he wants to kiss me. He leans over me and his lips are already red and swollen from all the kissin' we already been doin'. And he puts them on me again and they slip right into place like they's meant to be there. And I hear myself moan and Rick loved it. 

And we kissed til our mouths were dry and Rick put an arm around me to sleep. I could hear the second his breath slipped into a pattern of sleep. So I watch him sleep and wonder about what happens next. 

By the time the sun was startin' to come up Rick had both his arms wrapped around one of mine like a kid with a teddy bear. And I want to lean over and kiss him awake. And I'm not afraid because I know he wants me. I believe it. Rick wouldn't hurt me or lie to me and I think it would make him so happy for me to make the first move and kiss him. I never make the first move for anything not even startin' a conversation. 

And before I can really think about it, I lean over and press my lips to his and feel him stir and feel his lips smile under my mouth. "Daryl" he says. I like the way he says my name. 

And I'm happy but I'm afraid, because now I really have something to lose.

**Author's Note:**

> This was my first time writing first person. Hope you have a moment to share your feedback, good or bad! I learn a lot about what everyone likes to read from comments and it always helps on future fics.


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